Worst Nightmare Ever
by Sylvera
Summary: Kalas has one of the worst nightmares of his life. Can he escape the Mary-Sue who claims to have been his Guardian Spirit, or will she have her way with him? One-shot crackfic.


**Worst Nightmare Ever**

Kalas was bored. He'd been bored for about a week. Ever since their adventure had ended, nothing had really happened. Everyone had pretty much split up. For the time being, he and Xelha were staying in Wazn. He'd decided to go for a walk in town, figuring that maybe there'd be something to do there.

Thing was, no one else seemed to be outside. That was odd, because there was always _someone _around. But right now, no one was there.

All of a sudden, he heard something. He turned around, and couldn't believe what he saw.

A heard of gigantic pows were charging through the city. Kalas just stood there, staring. There were no pows in Wazn. And even if there were, there was no way they'd get that big. This was ridiculous.

As they got closer and closer, the idea that he should be running occurred to him. So he ran. That is, he tried to. But they were running way faster than him.

Just as they were about to reach him, an orb of light shot towards them. Suddenly, there was an explosion.

When the smoke cleared, there were dead pows everywhere. But right in front of him was a woman.

She barely wore anything, just what looked like a silky cloth bikini. She had long silver hair, and bluish skin. Kalas just stared. She had to be the most gorgeous woman he'd ever seen.

She walked towards him. "Nice to see you again," she said, smiling sweetly.

"Again?" asked Kalas, confused.

He'd never seen her before. If he had, he would have remembered.

The woman looked hurt. "You don't remember me? But…we were together for so long!"

"We…we were?" he said, still confused.

He took a good look at her. She didn't look familiar. Her voice didn't sound familiar. He'd never seen her before in his life.

She looked sad. "Kalas, don't you remember? I'm Serafina, your old Guardian Spirit!"

Kalas looked disgusted. "But…my Spirit wasn't named Serafina. His name was Emeric, and he was a guy! You're not him at all!

Serafina pouted. "What are you talking about? I was with you the whole time! I remember everything! We were such good friends…"

She glared at him. "And then you ditched me."

"WHAT?" shouted Kalas. "Look, I told you, I don't know you. My Guardian Spirit was Emeric. Not you. And I didn't ditch him. He said it was time for him to go. So why don't you just go away, and…"

All of a sudden, Serafina ran up to him and kissed him. For a moment, Kalas stood there, shocked. Then he pushed her away. "What was that for?" he shouted.

Serafina stood there, looking innocent. "I thought you'd like it," she said. "Don't you think I'm sexy? All the other boys do."

Kalas looked embarrassed. "Well, yeah. You are. But I DON'T KNOW YOU!" Why do you think you know me?"

Serafina walked back up to him. "But I love you…" she said, sounding hurt.

"Well guess what? I'm taken! I love Xelha, not you. So go away!"

Serafina stared at him for a while. Then, she laughed. "Her? You mean you actually hooked up with her? No way!"

She kept laughing. "Yeah, I did. Got a problem with that?" growled Kalas. "I love her, OK? And if you really had been my Guardian Spirit, you would have known that!"

Serafina giggled. "But she's so ugly! And she's nothing like you. What are you thinking, hooking up with her? I never thought you were _that _stupid!"

Kalas glared at her. "You're wrong! I mean, she's not ugly. She's not that pretty, sure, but she's certainly not ugly. Besides, the way she looks isn't what I like about her. She believed in me when no one else did. She cares about me!"

Suddenly, Serafina grinned. "Oh, and I forgot to tell you, Giacomo's come back as a zombie. There he is right now."

"The hell?"

Kalas turned around. Sure enough, there was a zombie Giacomo behind him. "Brainssss…" he moaned.

Kalas reached for the Magnus deck in his pocket, but Serafina grabbed his arm. "I'll handle him," she said, cheerfully.

She floated up into the air. "Super special seraph transformation!" she squealed.

Six angel wings appeared on her back. "Now…Magic sparkle beam!" she cried.

She held out her hand, and a beam of light shot out from it. The beam hit the zombie and obliterated him. When the beam finished, he'd been replaced by a myriad of rainbows, sunshine, ponies, and bunnies.

She landed on the ground, and her wings disappeared. She picked up a bunny, and smiled sweetly at Kalas, who was staring at her, dumbstruck. "You owe me," she said.

"I owe you?"

"For totally saving you."

"What do I have to do?" said Kalas, nervously.

Serafina tossed the bunny behind her. She walked over to him, a triumphant smile on her face. She got up very close to him, and put her face right in front of his. "Make love to me," she whispered.

"HELL NO!" cried Kalas.

Serafina giggled, then pushed him over onto the ground. The bunnies and ponies pinned him down, their expressions now malicious and thoroughly evil. "You know you want to," she said, sweetly.

"Actually, no, I don't!" he shouted.

She sat down next to him. "Well, I want to. And I _always_ get what I want."

A feral grin spread across her face. "All the other boys say I give the _best_ sex. I'm sure you'll think the same when I'm done with you."

Suddenly, "Fire Burst!" said a familiar voice.

A huge fireball hit Serafina, knocking her badck. She lay on the ground, screaming. After a while, she disappeared in a cloud of glitter. The bunnies and ponies and rainbows disappeared too.

Kalas looked over and saw Xelha standing in the snow, looking furious. "There," she hissed. "That little bitch won't be bothering you anymore."

Kalas stood up and ran over to her. "Man, am I glad to see you!" he cried. "She was crazy! Any way I can thank you for that?"

Xelha walked over to him. "Well, there is one way…"

She grabbed his hands. "Make love to me."

Kalas woke up screaming.


End file.
